Jokes

Amuse yourself while I update.

Frank and Joe were watching the news. A suicidal man was standing on a bridge and police were trying to talk him down. "Bet you 5 bucks the man jumps," Frank said.
"You're on!" Joe replied.
They watched with great interest for a few minutes and suddenly, the man threw himself from the bridge.
"Here's your 5 dollars," Joe said.
"I can't take yourmoney," Frank confessed. "The same story was on earlier, on the 5 o'clock news."
"No, no, take it," Joe insisted. "I saw it at 5 too, but I didn't think he was stupid enough to jump again."

When Jon stepped into the ER, he saw that the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled. Just how frazzled he discovered when a doctor pulled out his examination light, pointed it in his ear and instructed, "Say 'Aahh'."

A police officer pulled over a guy driving a convertible because he had a penguin riding in the passenger seat.
"Hey, buddy, is that a real penguin?"
"Yeah. I just picked him up."
"Well, why don't you take him to the zoo?"
The guy agreed, but the next day the cop saw him drive by again with the penguin sitting beside him.
"I thought I told you to take that thing to the zoo," said the officer.
"I did," the guy replied. "And since we had such a good time, tonight, we're going to a rugby match."

A farm inspector was visiting the notoriously stupid Farmer Jones. "How many sheep do you have?" the inspector asked him.
"I don't know,"replied Farmer Jones. "Every time I try to count them, I fall asleep."

A primary school class was asked to tell a story with a moral value. Kathy went first. "Once, we were driving a basket of hen eggs to the market and we hit a big bump on the road. The eggs broke. The moral is 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'.
Tammy was next. "Once, we had a dozen chicken eggs, but when they hatched, we only got 10 chicks. The moral is 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Then, it was Johnny's turn. "When my Aunt Karen was in Desert Storm, her plane was hit. She bailed out over enemy territory with only a bottle of whisky and a machine gun.
"She drank the liquor on the way down so it wouldn't break, and landed in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. She killed 70 with the machine gun and when she ran out of bullets, she killed the rest with her bare hands."
"What is the moral of that TERRIBLE story?" the teacher asked, horrified.
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, while Saint Peter gives him a smart six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.
"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus 2 mansions, a yacht, a golf course and 4 Rolls-Royces."
"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the sick?"
"No, I was the captain of Titanic."
Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows operating system, gets a crummy little house??"
"The Titanic only crashed once."

Amusing Quotes

Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Why do they call it 'rush hour' when nothing moves?

I told my doctor I broke my leg in 2 places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I just figured out that I'm homework intolerant.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animal. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Trying Times

Browsing in a junk shop, Jenna shouted out, "Which part of my body do I massage this with?!"
The woman behind the counter looked up and replied, "That's an abacus."

[This is real and it happened in 2005]
It was Christmas time. My mum and I were in an elevator staring at an eye-catching sign which read, "MARRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!"

Learning to use a voice-recognition computer programme, Joe was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than he types. First, he read out loud to the computer to train it to his voice. Then, he opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic.
The computer recorded:
"Murry fed a little clam, its fleas were bright and slow".
[Taken from Mary Had A Little Lamb]

Flight attendant: Would you like dinner?
Man : What are my choices?
Flight attendant: Yes or no.

Heard on a cable company's answering machine:
"We realize you are still holding. Please do not hang up as this will further delay your call".

Boss: We need to focus on diversity. Your goal is to hire people who all look different but think just like me.

After being on the phone forever with a customer who had been having difficulties with a computer programme, Andrew, a support technician, turned in his report:
"The problem resides between the keyboard and the chair".

On the door of a post office:
PULL. If that doesn't work, PUSH. If that doesn't work either, we're closed. Come again.

Parent: How was school today?
Child : Fine.
Parent: What did you do?
Child : Nothing.
Parent: Do you have any homework?
Child : I don't know.

IS EQUIVALENT TO:

Reporter : Mr President, how did the summit go today?
President: Fine.
Reporter : What did you discuss?
President: Nothing.
Reporter : Does this mean that the world is on the brink of a nuclear disaster?
President: I don't know.

That was amusing, wasn't it?