RSS Feed

  • Twitter
  • Digg
  • Stumble

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Ugly Past

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot of incorrect information.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe (many of you might not know this, but his third ship is called Santa MARIA). Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan (this is in no way related to Abraham Lincoln) would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show (if you are confused, a moving picture is an animation, so the actor could not have assassinated Lincoln unless he jumped out of the animation). The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

I am not responsible if you have stored any incorrect information in your head. The author here apologises for any inconveniences. Perhaps you either try brainwashing yourself or get Yi Cai to sue me.

*Here's the catch : Almost every sentence has a mistake in it. The reds are just a few obscured favourites. You might need an encyclopedia for that matter (or for other sentences). I can't make everything red, right? If you didn't notice that pyramids were called "a range of mountains", or that Christopher Columbus was "cursing about the Atlantic" when he was supposed to be "cruising about the Atlantic", whack yourself on the head. As for Clue Clux Clan, I need someone to educate me.
Academicians, have a good laugh.



Friday, August 28, 2009

Did You Know?

Laughter is the best medicine.

Hyenas have been spotted to burst into a fit of laughter in times of conflict. Scientists have found out that their eerie "giggles" contain valuable information on their status, identity, age, etc.. They also laugh at very high frequencies when competing for food.

Head-banging, annoyingly loud music spurs growth.

Plants subjected to tortuous sounds actually GROW BETTER. A research conducted showed that plants "listening" to death metal genre grow more. Those in the classical music group grew at the second fastest rate while the control group grew at the "normal" rate. Hmm, maybe we can grow more if we listen to death metal as well.....

Misperceptionon on astronomy.

Alpha Centauri is a system of 3 stars. Alpha Centauri A, Alpha Centauri B and Proxima Centauri. Alpha Centauris A and B are 4.3 lightyears away from home. Proxima Centauri is 4.2 lightyears away. Therefore, the closest STAR to Earth is PROXIMA CENTAURI, NOT Alpha Centauri. And mind you, there IS such a thing as negative magnitudes to determine a star's brightness, contrary to the Malaysian perception of a bright star, which "should end at zero".

I got this from a cool astronomy blog:

In a survey run by the National Science Board, 47% of the people surveyed answered correctly when asked, "How long does it take for the Earth to go around the Sun: 1 day, 1 month, or 1 year?".

I hope it didn't take very long for you to figure that one out. ;P



Monday, August 24, 2009

Old Fans Die Hard

(Click to enlarge image)

And you thought you were Michael Jackson's number one fan....



Saturday, August 22, 2009

You Don't Need To Understand This, Just Memorise

One of those few phrases that endlessly mocks me in my face and separates me from the rest of the world is this : you don't need to understand, just memorise. It's almost similar to "You don't need to know, just go and study" or something like that. Studying gives you common knowledge, the same thing as what everyone else is going to learn. Knowing, on the other hand, assures you a wider scope of knowledge, wisdom of different intensities in different life experiences, which makes everyone special in some way or the other. The main problem of the "You don't need to understand, just memorise" phrase is the fact that it's directly related to major assessments of one's thinking ability. In unfortunate cases like this, it should mean that I possess no such intelligent ability as I only understand, not memorise. And if I can't make some cow sense out of something, I don't remember it. So, in some way, I might be A Very Stupid Person.

I'm not sure who made this phrase up, but it sounds very much like a law to me. To try and memorise something you don't understand is like telling a kid to go read up the Theory of Special Relativity and then regurgitating all the facts he acquired for everyone to admire. The last time I heard the return of this phrase was from genii Adrian, Melissa and Natasha. Zi Ying and I refused to dignify this statement with acceptance, and went on defying it.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with Adrian, Melissa or Natasha. Although the tone of the post sounds like I'm deeply agitated with the phrase used by the three of them, I'm not. I'm actually supposed to be poking fun at the education system, which only requires students to memorise useless information to pass.

What Adrian, Mel and Natasha said is TRUE, so I'm not denying it. You can't do much with the EducationSystem like that. Three of them are right in the sense that memorising is all you can do at the present moment, unless you're plotting some national riot or something as grandiose as that. So yes, I acknowledge the fact that the only way to pass is to memorise stuff, but it would be more helpful if there is a reason as to how things work. Just be aware that the fact that we have to memorise random things which doesn't seem to make sense (mathematics is excluded from this list) is driving me insane.

A very good example of how the Malaysian education system works can be seen through the implementation of the Moral subject. The subject sounds very encouraging. One cannot be blamed for thinking that students would actually be brought to old folk's homes or orphanages to exercise their goodwill and contribute to the better of society. What students actually do, however, is not in any way associated with moral qualities. The poor souls have to MEMORISE arbitrary moral values along with MORE arbitrary moral definitions.

Moral values are categorised into different sections and every moral value has a NAME for it. And you have to follow what the educationists named it, otherwise kiss goodbye to your precious marks. If you changed one word in the name, which is usually a phrase, it's still considered wrong to the experts. You even have to DEFINE the moral values in EXACT words. One keyword missing, and your head will be one the chopping board.

Yes, the education system has reduced respectable moral values to nothing more than words. And these words are supposed to be memorised "so that students' moralities will improve". How this is supposed to encourage good deeds and improve our behaviours is beyond my grasp of imagination.

I hope I've cleared the air about the controversial phrase, which was actually the main reason for this post before I steered off topic.

Oh, and before I forget, good luck nerdifying yourselves for the upcoming 2nd wave of trials. People have always believed that the second round of everything is the worst. Take the tsunami and H1N1 for instance. May all the students survive the impact.



Friday, August 14, 2009

God Is Watching


...It is the body of a most unfortunate Chinese opposition member who was arrested and tortured by the MACC officers. Yes, he was tortured. And he was tortured because the MACC wanted him to talk.

But he could not talk. He could not talk because there was nothing to talk about. The MACC wanted him to finger his comrades in the opposition. They wanted him to implicate his friends in the opposition for various crimes that the MACC alleges had been committed by those in the opposition.

He tried to explain that he is not being stubborn. He tried to explain that no crime had been committed. He tried to explain that he could not possibly implicate his comrades in the opposition for various crimes if these crimes are merely a figment of the MACC’s imagination.

So they continued to torture him. And he could no longer stand the torture. After all, he is not the macho type of man. He is but a gentle man who only wanted to get married this weekend. That was all that he wanted.

They threatened to kill him if he refuses to talk. With tears running down his cheeks he begged for mercy and pleaded with them not to harm him. They threatened to throw him off the top floor if he refuses to talk. Sobbing like a baby he went down on his knees and begged for his life.

They dragged him across the room and opened the window. Then something went terribly wrong. It was supposed to be just a threat. They just wanted to put fear in him. They did not really want to throw him off the top floor. They just wanted him to see what the ground floor looks like from the top floor.

The unfortunate young man panicked. He went ballistic when he saw the distance he would have to travel before hitting the ground floor. He struggled. They could not hold onto him. Gravity took over and the life of this young man was prematurely snuffed out.

The MACC then announced that they had released him the night before. They failed to announce that they had not released him from custody but released him from this world. Then they suddenly found his body the day after. He jumped. He committed suicide. He took his own life. He was never tortured. He was not dragged to the window with the threat that they would teach him how to fly.

This has been going on for far too long. The MACC acts like God. They kidnap families and torture those they arrest. They threaten those they interrogate with death if they refuse to talk.

And now one young man has really died. But no one will be punished. No one will be punished because they will say the young man took his own life. Why he took his own life no one knows. He was never tortured. He was never threatened with death. He was not made to look how far down the ground floor is. He was not accidentally dropped when he panicked and struggled and they could not get a good grip on him.

That is what they will be telling you and me later today.

What you just read was an excerpt of how the political aide to Ean Yong Hian Wah died.

Raja Petra was right. The news has just been announced : Teoh Beng Hock committed suicide.

The evidences are against it. The marks on the sole of his shoes, the force on his belt, the broken window latch, etc.. He was supposed to register his marriage the next day. And he committed suicide. Bravo, my fellow leaders, bravo! I don't know many people who make up bullshit stories like that can get away with it.

Honestly, how dumb are we supposed to be? Does the main stream media really think our brains are stupidly miniscule enough to be unable to process rotten facts? Are we supposed to accept some senseless, loosely made-up story to cover up the truth which only cowheads would digest?

GOONS!! You hear me?! GOONS!!!! Everyone is screaming that word in your ears, but you're just not listening. It's because of this sort of injustice that you're losing the confidence of Malaysians, not the way you campaign or your tactless money politics, or even the way you handle current affairs for this matter. It is all your hypocritical mindset, dogmatic legacy, underhand cronies, peripheral aims and constant babbling that's driving us nuts.

I don't care if you've already won people's hearts by listening to the voice of the rakyat. Heck, I don't even care if you choose to ignore the Federal Constitution and abolish all special privileges for national equality, like what Lee Kuan Yew said 46 years back. All I care about is that EVEN IF YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG, FOR !#$^'S SAKE, ADMIT IT. I really respect Chua Soi Lek better than all of you slime balls and scumbags out there, and I'm sure many other Malaysians feel the same.

To everyone out there, do not fear. God is watching and he knows the truth. May the truth burn these national liars for all eternity in hell. Siapa makan cili, dia yang rasa pedas.

God is watching.



Tuesday, August 4, 2009

History Eludes Me

I can perform in front of a crowd of hundreds of people, but can't do so in front of 2 people in an enclosed room.

I can feel at home with hundreds of eyes staring me down, but not with 2 people who don't even look at me.

I can speak in front of the entire class, make announcements and talk with people I don't even know, but when it comes to those 2 people sitting in front of me, I speak like a kid.

Those 2 people are weird humans.

In the lift on the 6th floor, that same man in the room with the "hippie hairstyle" walked in and said "Hello", before screaming that he was in the wrong lift as the doors were closing.

Meet my examiners. They seemed like very friendly people, but the mighty pen and paper spoils their image.

The graded exams were held on the 3rd floor while the diploma ones were on the 23rd, the highest floor. The view was very nice indeed, save the big black box I would be banging on. I was initially misguided to the graded exams section, before being hurried off to the top floor. Indeed, there were very few people sitting for DipABRSM. On the page of a normal graded exam, there would be more than 10 names on one sheet of paper. Here, there were only 3.

To make the impression that it wasn't that empty, these guys enlarged our names to freaky proportions which seemed to eat the whole page away.

The girl before me was taking the violin exam. Her pianist was the very famous Su Mei. Luckily, we were acquainted with her and she could calm me down.

I absolutely decline to comment about how the exam went, but here's a pointer:
Roland, Ng Chong Lim and the other judges have to publicly explain how a pianistic failure grabbed the runner-up. I myself am not convinced. =/ Even if I am, I don't know why my historical courage is eluding me.

When you finally think that sight-reading a grade 6 piece is better than playing your prepared pieces, you're really dead meat.

And now, just when I'm planning to pick up the history book again, it goes missing.



Saturday, August 1, 2009

Ludwig van Beethoven

Beethoven is a dangerous man who composed weapons of mass destruction. No cases of dying or tortured students who played with his deadly weapons have been recorded throughout history, but I suspect that the numbers are quite high. Many a time have people joked about how Beethoven would toss and turn in his grave whenever someone screws up his compositions. It is then considered a proud achievement if someone could actually wake him from the dead by playing horrendously. This I can unabashedly claim; it's a worthy title to crown my pianistic skills, if I even have any.

Actually, I'm hoping that he decides to walk into my exam room, throw me away from the piano, and continue my exam for me as if nothing strange happened. And then, I hope he kills the piano during the last chord of the final Bulgarian Dances. After all, what's the point of notoriety if you can't prove your title? He should at the very least show my contemporaries how to destroy pianos--Beethoven style. It's a useful way out of frustration. Anyway, I'd probably be saved from Quick Study (or sight reading) too.

Unfortunately, if he decides to come into the exam room and wave all his 32 piano sonatas in front of me, that'll be the end of yours truly. I've had enough with ONE sonata, what more thirty-two?

It's very depressing to note that 182 years and counting, Beethoven is still mass murdering music students. Mercy, I plead for (forgive Yoda talk).



Related Posts with Thumbnails
Down Back to Top