Anyway, I wanted to dedicate this post to a friend who's going down to Singapore on a scholarship. Here are a few tips for him to stand out among the crowd on the first day of school (or any other day, for this matter). Hopefully, he'll get into enough trouble for the principal to send him back home. Go, Ryan! I know you have the guts to do these!
Freak the class:
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean...."
2. Wear earmuffs to class. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
3. When the teacher calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
4. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Li Qi Zhun. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
5. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
6. Address the professor as "Your Excellency".
7. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence. (I know you're very capable of this)
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Ryan. Claim that the "N" is silent. If it's Smith, claim that the "I" is silent.
9. Treat everyone in the classroom like alien ambassadors and claim that you're heading an alien council. Say "Greetings" to everyone you meet. When the professor enters the room, below "Tremble before me, you puny Earthling!!!!!" Remember to rise ominously from your seat and point an accusing finger at the professor.
10. Spend the entire lesson blowing kisses to other students.
11. Stand to ask questions. Use a very strong English accent. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the teacher answers.
12. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
13. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell. Claim that "the end is coming" every few minutes.
14. Laugh like Daffy Duck while clapping your hands vigorously. Don't forget to jump around for added effects.
15. Sabotage and point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
16. Claim that you see viruses thriving on your teacher's clothes. Offer to help pick out the viruses and keep them in your pocket. Complain later that the viruses are multiplying....
17. Sneeze on students in front of you and wipe your nose on your tie (or collar).
18. After walking into the classroom, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
19. When talking to your friends, gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a random person and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
20. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone talks to you, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
21. Mention in passing that you're wearing a rubber underwear.
22. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
23. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
24. Growl constantly and address your teacher as "matey".
25. Devote your math lessons to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask your teacher to "sit back and groove".
26. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
27. Breathe like Darth Vader. Talk to an imaginary "angel" on your right shoulder. Address your classmates as your "minions".
28. Start a food fight in the canteen.
29. Twitch a lot.
30. Move your mouth when you're silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.
Freak the roommates:
1. Fake a heart attack in the room. When your roommates get the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
2. Always flush the toilet 3 times.
3. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
4. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
5. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
6. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
7. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.
8. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.
9. Tell your roommate that it's your birthday--every day.
10. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
11. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.
12. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
13. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
14. Follow him/her around on weekends.
15. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
16. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
17. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
18. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
19. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
20. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
21. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
22. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
25. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
26. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
27. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
28. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
29. Walk and talk backwards.
30. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. Constantly mutter "....the mothership is coming..."
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